Question:

I have an extremely difficult child in my playgroup. She doesn’t let anyone have fun. She yells at everyone for making noise and playing with toys even if the noise was not so loud and she was nowhere near the toys. She seeks kids out to hurt them. I’ve spoken to the mother and she’s shrugged it off. She is the only uncooperative parent in my playgroup bli a”h, but it feels very hard to connect with a child when you feel no support from the parents. Punishing her doesn’t stop her, but I do need to remove her from the room frequently so that the kids feel safe. I feel guilty because she cries and cries and doesn’t seem to understand so I just feel cruel. But it’s really hard not to lose my cool with her especially when she comes out of timeout and tries to hurt someone. I’ve also tried doing activities that she enjoys and she gets happier but it isn’t enough. Any ideas?

Response:

You are asking a very important question. You are very limited with how much you can do for this child, and you shouldn’t judge yourself negatively for this difficult situation. This girl needs a lot more individualized attention than you can provide on your own. However, here are some ideas that might be helpful.

1. It appears that she lacks the understanding of how to interact and socialize with other children, leading her to resort to aggression as a means of interaction. By recognizing that her behavior is not driven by malicious intent but rather a lack of social skills, it becomes easier to cultivate compassion towards her.
2. You are correct in recognizing that punishing her is ineffective because she lacks the understanding of appropriate behavior. However, for the safety of the other children, it may be necessary to temporarily remove her from the room. It may be helpful to explain to her the reason for her removal, as it can serve as a starting point for building her understanding of how her actions are affecting the other children.
3. If you can spend a few minutes per day just focused on her, you can try to facilitate an interaction between her and another child with an activity she is excited to do. This is an opportunity for her to engage in a positive interaction with another child, and learn what appropriate social interactions entail. If she still can’t interact properly with the other child even with your support, then it can be an activity with just you and her. This will help her learn from interacting with you, what an appropriate interaction is.
4. Regarding the mother, it can be very frustrating to lack her support. However, it’s important to recognize that she may be struggling with how to respond to a teacher’s negative report about her child. It’s important to view the mother with compassion as well. When dealing with such parents, the best approach is to gradually explain some of the issues their child is facing. Providing the mother with specific examples of her child’s behavior and then requesting her input on possible solutions can be helpful in prompting her to acknowledge the existence of an issue. Also, instead of simply stating that there is a problem, it is more effective to recommend specific actions the mother can take to assist her daughter with the problem (such as getting a private therapist for the child). It’s important to bear in mind that changing the attitudes of such parents may take time. Even if we can make a small difference in persuading them, it can still be very beneficial for the child in the long run.