Question:

We have a 19 years old son that was recently diagnosed with ASD. He showed signs of ASD even when he was younger. He was very literal and had an encyclopedic knowledge of animals. Socially, he wasn’t typical and had 2 or 3 friends. When he was in 8th grade, he took learning very seriously and extreme, memorizing many masechtas of mishnayos and gemara by heart. Then, after 10th grade he started to decline. He began missing Seder and losing interest in learning. We tried therapy to figure out the underlying cause but it didn’t help much. Sadly, a few years later he had enlisted in the US army. It turns out that he had burnt out in 10th grade and was just going along with the flow…. When I finally broke through and gained a chance to connect and communicate with him, and he was feeling trusting enough to open up, he described the army as a window of escape from a burning building in which he has been in for all of this time. We quickly pulled him out of yeshiva and with Hashem’s miraculous guiding hand he did not go to the army. He has now been at home for nearly a year.  He has been accepted to university and will soon begin. His frumkeit is questionable as is his general safety if he goes to university. He has a hard time accepting and recognizing his neurodiversity. How could we have known sooner? What could we have done differently? What should we do now to open up channels of communication which are so difficult to maintain consistently. He has the most beautiful and gentle Neshamah, always considering others, never having needs of his own, joining us for the Shabbos meals and never beginning to eat before his mother. He does not go to shul, may or may not put on tefillin, wears a yarmulke and benches. My heart cries and is so torn every day. I have asked so many frum professionals and rabbanim but none of them have proper knowledge of the autistic world. They have raised their hands in resignation when it comes to getting advice. How can we help his sensitive soul feel connected to the Jewish and especially frum circle. 

Response:

You are being so open by sharing all the struggles with your son. He sounds like a really wonderful boy with so many talents and good traits. Unfortunately, he has been going through the Yeshiva system which was often at odds with his unique personality and needs. He has been trying very hard to be a success by pushing himself intensely in his learning which unfortunately has led to burn out. This is something I have seen with other boys. The source of it is that he unfortunately didn’t connect to his inner self as a person, and develop his own abilities and unique passions. Having ASD would make it hard for him to naturally fall into place in the regular education system and succeed. He may have often faced many challenges and forced himself to put up just trying to be like everyone else without internalizing and connecting with what he was doing. His learning and frumkeit looked very positive on the outside, but on the inside, he was struggling and in pain.

He is now at a place where he realized that the Yeshiva system was too burdensome for him and wasn’t working and he is exploring other options.

You describe in such a heartfelt way all the pain that you have with his current struggles with Yiddishkeit. Your son is also currently in a lot of pain as is trying to find his place in the world. The best thing for him now is to support him in developing his interests and talents and connecting to himself and appreciating his unique qualities. I saw in R’ Hirsch that one must first be a man before being a Yid. He is still finding himself and needs support to be a healthy wholesome person. He will eventually start showing more interest in Yiddishkeit. He may not on the outside be as frum as he used to be, however, the quality of his Yiddishkeit and his connection to Hashem will be much healthier and stronger.