Why Punishment Backfires

Ethan’s parents were at the end of their rope. “He’s a smart boy and always finds ways to argue and disobey the rules in our house,” they told me. “When we punish him he doesn’t get the message, he just starts acting worse. And when we ignore his misbehavior, he gets away with whatever he wants. We tried incentives and rewards too, but he always found a way to get the maximum reward for the least effort.”

Children with behavioral challenges often have a hard time understanding why other people get to boss them around and force them to listen. They feel this is a very unequal system. They struggle to see the benefit of cooperating with others, and that following rules is critical for one’s success in his environment. And since they don’t know how to get their needs met through appropriate communication, they often engage in negative behaviors to get them met instead.

Just punishing or forcing a child to behave often leads to a power struggle. The child feels threatened and just ups the ante, misbehaving worse than before. It may stop the behavior in the moment, but the second he’s not being forced anymore, he goes right back to it.

For Ethan to change, the key was for him to get on board and want to behave, not just comply because he was cornered.

Ethan’s Story

When I first met Ethan, I noticed him drawing comic figures. His drawings were impressive, and I told him how amazed I was with his artwork. We got into a conversation about his interests, and I realized this would be a great way to start a relationship with him. Once he was enthusiastic about developing his talent further, I said, let’s go to a craft store and find some supplies so you can start your own comic strip. He was completely sold.

On the way, Ethan wouldn’t buckle his seatbelt. “No one makes me wear a seatbelt,” he told me. Instead of getting into a power struggle, I calmly said, this is a safety problem, I’ll need to pull over to the side of the road. I wasn’t going to force Ethan into doing something he didn’t want to do, but at the same time he couldn’t force me into doing something I didn’t want to do. He understood, and quickly put his seatbelt on.

A few weeks later, while driving Ethan home, we passed an ice cream store. “You need to buy me ice cream,” he said.

“I don’t want to,” I told him.

“You have to, otherwise I’m not meeting you anymore.”

“I’m not allowed to say no?” I asked.

“You have to say yes,” he said. “You don’t like me, since you aren’t getting me ice cream.”

Instead of getting upset, I kept the conversation going, challenging him in a humorous way to help him see on his own how illogical that was. “Do I need to buy you everything you want to show you that I like you?” I asked, as if I were taking him seriously.

“No, just get me the ice cream,” he said.

“And if next time you decide I need to buy you ice cream again to prove I like you, will I have to again?”

By the end, Ethan understood it didn’t make sense for him to demand I give him whatever he wanted.

What Actually Changed

This is what working with kids like Ethan teaches us. Instead of focusing on just stopping specific behaviors, it’s more important to help them develop cognitively and change from the inside. Ethan needed to reflect on himself, and understand that making demands of others can be unreasonable. Once he was able to start reflecting on his own behavior, he was able to improve.