Why Making Friends Is Hard for Some Children on the Spectrum

Chaim, a 3rd grader, has trouble playing with friends since they often don’t do what he likes, and he has trouble with the give and take of a relationship. Playing alone is much easier for him, since he doesn’t need to give in to a peer’s ideas and can always get his way. This is common for those on the autism spectrum. They have trouble considering other people’s needs, and tend to overly focus on themselves. However, they almost always want friends, but their social challenges hold them back from creating friendships.

Connecting with a Child on Their Own Terms

To help Chaim, the first step is to tune into his world and start a relationship with him according to his terms. By tuning into Chaim’s world and allowing him to dictate how the relationship will work, Chaim will feel safe and ready to engage with me. Children on the spectrum usually want to connect with others, and when others approach them in a way they can relate and feel safe, they open up and respond. Once the child is connecting and engaged, you gently interrupt the flow of the interaction to get the child to notice you and your interests. This will teach the child to consider other people, an important step in making friendships.

I entered Chaim’s house for the first session. He didn’t come over to meet me. He wouldn’t even turn his head to look at me. I saw him playing on the floor with LEGO. I sat down next to him and said, “Wow, that’s a really cool LEGO you’re playing with.”

Chaim responded, still without looking at me, “Yes, I built it myself.”

I saw that the LEGO robot had some interesting functions, so I asked Chaim, “Can you show me what it can do?”

Now Chaim looked at me and showed me, “It has two weapon launchers, and a secret compartment for a LEGO minifigure.”

After a few minutes of Chaim showing me his different LEGO creations, I said, “I brought a bunch of games to play with you, and a magic trick to show you.” I was hoping that Chaim would express at least some interest in me, and in what I had to offer. But Chaim ignored me.

Instead of pushing my agenda, I continued following Chaim’s lead in the interaction. Then after a few more minutes of discussing LEGO, Chaim said, “Let’s do something you brought.”

Once Chaim felt safe and comfortable with our interaction, he was ready to allow me into his world and play with a game I brought.

I showed Chaim a card trick, and he was totally tuned into me, intently watching my whole presentation. After completing the trick, I asked Chaim, “How do you think I figured out which card you chose?” The card trick was a way to challenge Chaim to figure out that another person can see things from a different point of view.

Chaim had trouble figuring out the trick, but he stayed with it. He let me offer him hints and repeat the trick a few times in slow motion. Many children like Chaim shut down the moment they don’t know something and resist letting anyone teach them. His willingness to stay focused, keep trying, and take hints from me was a good sign. Eventually, Chaim did figure out my trick.

I told Chaim, “I’m really impressed that you figured it out.” Chaim smiled.

Chaim then wanted to play me a game of Spit using the cards. I told him, “I don’t know the rules of the game.” This was another opportunity for Chaim to have to think about me and explain the rules in a way I would understand.

At the end of the session, Chaim’s excited expression showed how much he enjoyed the interaction.

Following the success of the first session, I conducted the next sessions with Chaim in a similar manner. I would follow Chaim’s lead for most of the session, allowing him to choose the activities and go along with his play ideas. However, I kept looking for opportunities throughout the session to challenge him to consider me and my feelings. If Chaim insisted on being first in the game, I would say, “Hey, I also want a chance to go first.” By acting out how a typical peer would act, and at times exaggerating my emotions and needs in a friendly and comical way, Chaim started considering my needs as well. If he ignored me when I walked into his house, I would say in a friendly and exaggerated voice, “You don’t want to say hi to me?!” This usually got him to notice me, smile, and say hi.

Teaching a Child to Notice and Consider a Friend

As Chaim progressed in thinking about me during our interactions, I asked him about bringing over a friend to join the sessions. Chaim refused, since he didn’t want a peer to reduce any of the attention he was getting from me. I then showed Chaim a picture of an exciting project I wanted to make with him. It was a birdhouse. Chaim was ecstatic, but I told him I can only do it with him if he invites a friend over to join him for the project. After much back and forth and negotiations, Chaim agreed to invite Eliezer.

Having Eliezer join the sessions was a great opportunity for me to teach Chaim how to notice and consider his friend. When Chaim insisted on choosing the activity, I would say, “What about Eliezer, can he ever get a turn to choose the activity?!” With time, Chaim began to really consider Eliezer and think about his feelings. This helped their friendship grow.

What Changed for Chaim

Stories in this series are based on real accounts, but many details have been altered to protect the subjects’ privacy.

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