One evening, my phone rang. It was a parent, sounding frustrated and at a loss. “My son, Baruch, is struggling in school,” she said. “He keeps getting in trouble. His teacher sends him out of class for being disruptive, and now the principal is calling us to discuss his behavior. We’re not sure what to do. Could you help?”

Baruch was a bright, lively fourth grader, but sitting through long classes didn’t come easily to him.

In Baruch’s words:

Why Rewards and Punishment Weren’t Working

R’ Gold, the principal, called Baruch’s parents to discuss his behavior in class. He told them, “Baruch thinks he can do whatever he wants and always tries to argue his way out of punishment. We’ve tried numerous rewards and prize contests, which only worked for a week or two. We also tried consequences for his misbehavior, but those didn’t deter him either.”

Baruch’s parents, feeling at a loss, reached out to me for help. My first step was to contact R’ Gold. I explained that rather than focusing on rewards or punishments, the key is for Baruch to get on board and genuinely want to behave in class. Although it may be challenging for Baruch to think about consequences before he acts, helping him take ownership of his behavior and reflect on the effect of his actions would mark a real milestone and set him on the path toward wanting to change.

Helping a Child Take Ownership of His Behavior

I then met with Baruch. I asked, “What’s going on in class, Baruch? Is something making class hard for you?” Since I wanted to help make school easier for him and understand his point of view, he was willing to have the conversation and even consider the importance of following rules in class.

“It’s just really hard to sit still for so long. The teacher is so strict, he won’t let me get out of my seat or even eat a snack during class,” he said.

I nodded, acknowledging how challenging it must feel. “What do you think would help make it easier?”

Baruch shrugged, unsure.

It’s better for Baruch to come up with his own solution and take ownership of the process. Since he wasn’t responding on his own and didn’t know where to start, I offered a little guidance. “Would it help if you were allowed to take a break during class when you feel you need it?”

Baruch perked up. “Yes, the teacher should let me get out of my seat and walk out whenever I want.”

“Can the teacher let everyone take breaks whenever they want?” I asked.

Baruch acknowledged that it didn’t make sense, but said, “At least the teacher should let us eat snacks in class. Why does he have to make class so hard and not let us eat?”

“What do you think would happen if everyone were allowed to eat in class?” I asked.

Baruch thought for a moment. “There would be a big mess.”

“That’s a good answer. What else?”

“There wouldn’t be so much learning.”

I then asked, “If I could convince the teacher to allow you a break to make class easier for you, would you be willing to behave?” Baruch agreed.

Seeing Baruch willing to take some ownership, I asked, “If the teacher agrees to make an exception for you and allow you a break, would you show good faith and not try to take advantage?” Baruch agreed to that as well.

I shared this plan with R’ Gold and Baruch’s teacher. They were supportive, though R’ Gold had some reservations. He asked me, “If we need Baruch to agree to behave, what will happen if Baruch decides one day he doesn’t want to behave?”

Since Baruch told us that being allowed breaks will help him behave, the ball is now in his court.

I told R’ Gold that since Baruch told us that being allowed breaks will help him behave, the ball is now in his court. We can challenge him and say, “Look, Baruch, we gave you what you said would help you — why are you still not behaving?” At that point, Baruch will need to take ownership and reflect on his difficulty with keeping his side of the deal. We are not just giving in to his manipulations; rather, we are using this as a step toward helping Baruch learn to take responsibility for his actions.

Baruch’s teacher agreed to give it a try. The next day, they worked out a system for him to request short breaks when he needed them. Baruch respected this new arrangement and didn’t try to overuse it.

What Happens When a Child Doesn’t Keep Their Word

A few days later, R’ Gold reached out. “Baruch hasn’t really improved,” he said. “The teacher still finds him too disruptive and had to send him out.”

I explained to R’ Gold that since Baruch didn’t keep his part of the deal, this was an opportunity to get him to truly reflect on himself and his behavior.

I followed up with Baruch and asked, “What happened? Is it too hard for you to control yourself? You told me that if we started the new system of breaks, you would behave better.”

This time, Baruch didn’t argue or make excuses. It was an important moment for him. Instead of getting upset about the consequences, he realized that he hadn’t kept his commitment to behave.

Baruch’s story teaches us something important about working with oppositional and defiant children. Rather than focusing solely on stopping specific behaviors, it is more effective to help them grow cognitively and build a desire for change. Once Baruch started understanding the importance of following rules and reflecting on his own behavior, he began to make real improvements.

Stories in this series are based on real accounts, but many details have been altered to protect the subjects’ privacy.

If this story feels familiar, you can read more about our approach or get in touch to talk it through.